pride vs self-esteem

its thursday again... always looked forward to thursday... thursday has always been a v  emotionally traumatising day... this is the dunno how many time i'm blogging after a cg meeting... always i have lots to say after cg...  
 
in this new semester, i have a HRM class which starts at 430 n ends at 630... that means i gotta rush, literally run to catch the bus... i reach ziv's place about 750... i was rather surprised that e games were nt in progress yet... seems like there r ppl later than me... okies, but i gotta do this for the next 12 weeks before i have my exams... aiyo, so fast exam liao...
 
sometimes... pride juz slip into me... but the Holy Spirit is always there to remind me about such stuff... like 'Who are you to judge others? Only the LORD judges'... then i told GOD during worship that i really need to commit this pride problem into His hands... gotta change... then the big surprise... the cg surmon was on self-esteem... seems that the source of my pride problem was really of my low self-esteem... especially on the point where bro ryan said that we have to parent ourselves so that this frees us from expecting unconditional love from others... because of my insecurities... i always wanna to do better than others... give more than others... (then this phrase which someone said, came to me again: 'unequal amount, equal sacrifice')... achieve better grades... and sometimes i even felt that 'GOD am i doing sth that pleases you?'... trying so hard... i always remind myself that the first thing to prosper is my soul... 
 
actually, when i tink about it... i'm actually v blessed... no need to worry about finances... about family problems... i get to study... i mean i should really thank the LORD for all these... most or even almost my whole life have been pretty smooth sailing... well, been really blessed these few days... i mean even on monday gg to sis siew choo home, emmy gave me a ride to n fro... n juz now, huiming oso sent me back to ntu... i mean, they r nt obligated to do tt but they went the extra mile, literally... 
 
well, tonight after i reach my hall... called my mum... well, she didn't scold me or anything... juz ask me to bath then go slp... Praise the LORD... am always worried getting scolded for returning late...nites... the day ahead lies many challenges to conqure...

a short update

hi ppl... i'm back after a week... juz a short update of wat happened to me for the last week... was slacking at home on mon n tues... wed went down for a short prayer meeting with the ntu ministry ppl... then head to ymca... yeah!!! my first time there haha... quite fun attending bs in a group, oh yah... someone mentioned my skin has become thicker... haha... then thurs went to buy notes n went cg... well... saturday was really great... wee ling came down for the weekend connection was glad that she didn't have to sit on the floor =P though she didn't respond to the altar call... i know she did take away sth with her during this visit... a good msg that she agrees that its quiet relevant... hope she will be coming for more services... to learn things and to get to know the cg ppl better ya?... sunday was fun... haha... was suppose to go down for service coz ching yun coming but in the end.... nvm... at least some fellowship was done... shop for presents too... hope they will like it... monday will be more fun.. haha

school starts on 26th July... tts today... a kinda mixed up feeling right now... glad to meet the ppl n sad coz really work already start piling up.... man i can't believe it... eca stuff... calendar packed got eca fair, wsc fair, welcome tea, election, rally, agm, meetings, briefings... then school work oso... fyp... have already planned a timetable for studying.... but to follow it will be like.... cuz didn't take into account to eca stuff when planning... well dun intend to put myself through more eca... gotta concentrate n do the more impt stuff... its late already... gotta get into e habit of having enuff rest... dun wan to doze off during lectures... haha... want to practice on my guitar have not touch it for the past week coz its in hall so... *guilty* anyway, now abit too late to do it... my neighbour sleeps early... muz be considerate... will do it on mon... my free day...

oh yah... now this blog is getting more user friendly... can change colours n fonts with juz a few clicks of the buttons... good for html idiots like me... heee... right now i can hear the gun shots from the army camp near by... long time never heard already... soon will be hearing planes flying real low... national day coming... got practices mah(i mean e ndp ppl.. haha..) nites ppl....

the Z family

hi ppl, i'm back.. juz had 3 days of foc (freshman orientation camp) not tt i'm still a freshie... with seniors play an impt role too... moi already one of e oldest senior there liao besides allen n chris... if wanna count i'm the great-grand senior liao...wah tt sounds real old... well, being senior is fun... oh, ya will be gg down to sentosa on fri if i still have the time...

one of the major highlights of the camp: INITIATION
during the initiation all the freshies were blind folded... they were made to do stuff like confidence jump, walking in the drain... sliding down on the canvas sheet... negative pt...well, it was cut short so only gotta play 3 stations... waiting time was kinda long...e freshies got sleep n bored... u can't see n u have to sit n wait... any one in the right frame of mind will be sianz... so its time for the seniors to do sth... we juz randomly grab a couple, make them sit together... like force them to talk like tt... haha seems like a mini sp(secret pal)nite within e group... well, it promotes interaction among e group members... sometimes u will nt get to talk to everyone in the group esp there's 22 freshies... n it does nt help if u r abit to the introvert side... hee... this is really a big group... last year only got 9 freshies... the year before about 15...n my batch was 16...

well... at least i gotta know some of my freshies... oh yah... n one of them is oso from city harvest...wah, when i heard from vincent that hui fen ask him to go church i was like... man, this is divine opportunity to reach out together with her in my Z family... hmm... y hui fen ask vincent? cuz he talk to her when she was blind folded mah... remember the mini sp thingy i mentioned above? haha... n yah... vincent is her official SP too... cuz SP nite was on wednesday... hmmm...?

ok... now for the genealogy of the Z family:
1997 -- William batch
1998 -- Larry, Vincent batch
1999 -- the missing link
2000 -- Hui Young batch <-- Zuwa
2001 -- moi batch <-- Zyanth
2002 -- Jess, Seik Yen batch <-- Zephar
2003 -- Kaixiang batch <-- Zivena
2004 -- Hui Fen batch <-- Zyen

so...u know why we are called the Z family?? well, all our group names start with Z... simple as tt... haha...

ah zhe... wo men yong yuan zhi chi ni???

Jeff Chang or more affectionately known as ah zhe to his fans (tt includes me lah ;) hee...) well, he's coming to singapore next week after like 3 years? the last time he came was in end of 2001 or early 2002... cuz i remember going to one of the events at Chen Su Lan Methodist Children's Home in year 1...(tts is oso where i gotta meet some pretty 'intersting' kids) ok, back to ah zhe... actually he's having a few events in singapore, his interiary is some what as follows:

15 Jul (Thu) - Arrival in Singapore
16 Jul (Fri) - Fan Club Gathering (7 - 8.30pm).
17 Jul (Sat) - Mount Faber mini concert cum gathering (3 - 5pm), PSC nite (8pm)
18 Jul (Sun) - Junction 8 autograph session (3pm), NKF Charity Show(7pm)
11 Sep (Sat) - Concert in SIS

err... i'm not a stalker ok? i'm in the official fan club so got a bit of insider news loh... hee... BUT (its in CAPS) i'm not gg for any of these events even when there are free tix...y? cuz actually the ri chen already faded away... oso no extra $$ to spare...concert tix r expensive... $130 inclusive of $2 sistic charge...actually i was thinking... cuz ah zhe is oso a brother in Christ... so can get to see him for a long long time... haha...(crap =p) btw, ah zhe's dad is a pastor in yu lin taiwan... hope a revival is happening there... oso ah zhe was born on easter day... juz some info tot u might be interested to know...

i was really crazy over him during my sec n jc days... juz a phase i guess... nevertheless his songs brought healing to me in some points of my life... his songs picked me up when i was feeling low... the lyrics encouraged me by telling me that there's someone worse off than me... i remember i will go all out to buy magazines that feature him and keep news paper clippings of him... i oso wanted to get hold of all the albums he cut... haha... oso photos of his concert in singapore n overseas...haha... actually i still have them... properly kept in a drawer...well..i still like his songs...his crystal clear voice which many guys tink its sissy.. but hey if u can't sing like tt... dun comment too much... his voice is a gift from GOD ok?...

with regards to the phrase in the title... yong yuan.. sighs... tink i said tt too fast liao... how many things last forever?... seasons come n go... people change...some for the better, some for the worse...well, maybe thats the fun of it... u never know what the journey will be like even though you're heading for that fixed destination...

room 4 improvements?

today a thought came to me... is there a limit a person can grow spiritually in the LORD? well, i was thinking... yes and no... cos GOD does not put a limit on faith... even if there is really a limit to growth... i think the limit would be so high that i might not reached it until the day the LORD bring me home... if i was to be measured on the scale of my growth in the LORD, where would i be? 5%? 1%? or even less? how much am i now a person GOD intended me to be?... in my opinion, the only person that ever reach 100% was Jesus... but being at the low end of the scale is good news too... at least i know i have plenty of "growing up" to do... so i'll never get complacent...

Phil 3:16, "Nevertheless, to degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind."

no matter where we are on the scale... we can be in one accord to grow as we walk in one accord... ppl grow through circumstances n situations... one of my most memorable experience that caused me to grow was the cg multiplication... not that i was really close or attached to my previous... actually i didn't really feel a thing when eugene broke the news to me... (but i'm not cold-blooded ok?)... guess i was in the valley at that time... even during praise n worship i was reluctant and there was no life in me... most of the time i felt i was juz being superficial... i got out of it soon... with the help n encouragment from liyi... having someone to confide in really helps... its was at that time i grew closer to the LORD and also with the ppl in cg... right now i can say that i'll definatly feel sth for the cg when the multiplication takes place... although E206 didn't grow... in fact it shrunk... but i believe that in my final year in NTU if E206 still exist... it will explode... cos i'm there not without a reason...

~ vicky ~

an EVENTFUL tuesday

went to watch spiderman 2 with su suen, liyi n long juz now... great movie but it makes me cry alot... made me realise sths...

went to buy guitar too... was not really sure what to do there... so gotta depend on long to help loh... the lady there was friendly... quite pretty too... xiu se ke can... haha... really hope to learn to play soon... will help in my QT...

really want my QT to be good every night... will be writing a prayer list...maybe will change it every week... see how lah... so every night gotta memorise a verse... this is from last night... gotta committe to memorising verses...

Gal 6: 9-10
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are in the household of faith."

went for church wide seminar... the title was "CHURCH WITHOUT WALLS"... well pastor did mention this phrase before... but to me it was like... yah, need to shine for the LORD outside the church... the church does not exist for itself... but for the good of all...

tonight i really thank GOD that my mother didn't make a fuss out of it... really grateful to GOD for that... i want to be a testimony for GOD in my family...

well, tonight seminar was great... was taught of the different types of unchurched people... definition of unchurched was attending church service less than 5 times in a year... haha... tink most of the people i know are unchurched loh... even though some might be Christians... really want to continue to learn more about the U3, U2 and U1s...
imagine U1s and U2s in singapore need up to a massive 1.36 million...wah... thats mind blowing... gotta do sth...soon...

~ vicky ~

eMptY vEssEls ??

heard from many of my cg members that last night's ONPM was fantastic... if there's a greater word to describe it.. GOD-tastic...haha really wanted to go even more after all these great reports... GOD works in mysterious ways... HE will make a way for me... the strong presence of GOD... well i believe you can feel the presence of GOD everyday if your heart is open to HIM and is full of expectancy...

tonight's surmon was impacting... it gave me a fresh sense of urgency for the lost souls... i also felt that GOD was telling me that i am the one that is limiting what he can do in my life... juz as in Luke... we see that the oil cease to flow only when the son said there was no more empty vessels left... if there were more empty vessels... GOD will continue to fill them...

i know the amount of oil i have in my own vessel... if i dun do sth about it... the last drop of oil will dry up... i gotta to find the empty vessels to bring into the house of GOD...

tuesday... will be eventful day... will be asking su suen to see if she wants to join me together wif liyi n long for spiderman2... its a good opportunity for them to know her n vice versa... good chance for evangelising too... hoping to bring her to church during the evangelistic weekend 2 weeks from now...

after that will be going to buy my guitar...then go for Book of Isaiah... will try to go for cg on thurs as well... i commit this matter into the hands of the LORD... i know by my own strength... a lot of things cannot happen... but i still have to play my part... i gotta start "loving GOD whole-heartedly, loving people fervently..." cos GOD is love... without love i am nothing... i have to really love my parents more... with sincerity, respect and honour... as for my friends, i gotta to love them with sincerity...

~ vicky ~

oVerNight PraYeR meeTing (ONPM)

its 11 plus at night... right now in church there's a overnight prayer meeting going on... for a few times already...i really wanted to go... but assessing my current situation... sighzzz...

when bro. ryan asked the cell who wants to go for it... deep down within my heart i know that if i go for such meeting (lets call it ONPM for short) i would be able to grow spiritually and really experience GOD in a way that i never did before... mainly due to the fact tt i have not been to one and by the testimonies of eugene... i know one day i will be able to go for ONPM openly...

GOD really tested me today... i know i did slip up a few times ... i was really trying v hard to switch it back to GOD immediately... then it came to mind that shouldn't it be the other way round... everything that i see, feel or hear should remind me of GOD... but y wasn't that happening? i remember once during JC1... it was about the time that i first attend church (pei yu's church at holland v.)... one evening after school i head down to jurong east for tuition... i got off the bus behind the library and the sky was beautiful... the sun was setting... the sky was blue n orange with white clouds... that moment i thank the LORD for the beautiful sight that HE created... the wonderful things that no one else could do... i really want that kind of feeling back... the gratiude that flows out so automatically... i really yearn to have that kind of gratitude once again... the slighest things will remind me of YOU and YOUR goodness... thank you LORD...

~ vicky ~